I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
