you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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