So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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