I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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