Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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