Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
