the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I am available for nakedness
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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