My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
