what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
