when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
