the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
