Betty ford says i'm here all night
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
