I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
