if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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