Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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