he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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