someone threw a dead crab at me
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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