I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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