I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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