Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
