She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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