I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
