Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
