Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
