he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
