i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
