you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
