im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
