how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
