it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
