And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
