I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
