he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
