I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
