Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
