but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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