just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i think i have two assholes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
