i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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