they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
