I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
