I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just gift wrapped bread.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
