3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
