Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
