If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
