We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
