Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
