Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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