Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
