It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
