Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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