I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
