Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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