a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
