I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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