She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
