awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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